Hermione Granger's Diary
by Sarah74656
Summary: Hermione reads that classic muggle book 'Bridget Jones' Diary' and decides to start a diary of her own, just like Bridget's. NOW COMPLETE!
1. A Watchless Witch

_Authors Note: I've written parody stories very similar to this before in my previous incarnation as a Stargate SG-1 fanfic writer and they were all very well received, so I thought I'd try my luck with a Harry Potter themed one. Hopefully it will be as well liked as my others! If the reception is good, I'll post more…_

_I've always had the impression that Hermione is one of those people who presents a wonderful façade of outer calm whilst being an emotional hurricane on the inside. If only we could see what's inside her head…_

_Just for the record, I don't own anything related to Harry Potter or Bridget Jones, more's the pity._

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**Hermione Granger's Diary**

_**September 1st**_

**School Year's Resolutions:**

_Refrain from alienating Harry  
__Refrain from killing/getting caught maiming Malfoy  
__Avoid being killed by Voldemort/Death Eaters  
__Stop fantasising about random cute wizards  
__Annoy Slytherins as much as possible_

Have decided to start diary for self, after finishing reading excellent muggle book 'Bridget Jones' Diary' over the summer. Realise that traditionally diaries should be started on first of January rather than September, but decided that since am a witch and so am unconventional anyway, it wouldn't hurt.

Today was the first day of term at Hogwarts. Day started in typically cringe-worthy fashion, when realised that couldn't find brush, hair bobble or even watch. Am sure that wasn't so badly organised in previous years. Will put it down to whole 'Wizarding War' thing, as am sure that the constant threat of being 'Avada-Kedavra'-ed into the middle of next week is a good enough reason to misplace a couple of personal belongings. Wish that was at Hogwarts already as could then use a handy 'Accio' to find them, but know that cannot. Sigh.

Finally found hairbrush and bobble but gave up on watch, as was going to be late for catching Hogwarts Express. Left message with Mom to forward said time-telling implement if it was found and hurtled at quick-near-illegal speeds in Dad's car to Kings Cross.

Increased embarrassment ensued once reached station, as was forced to back of v. long queue to get through barrier onto platform 9 ¾ and so practically fell onto own face jumping onto train on time before it left. Only upside is that don't think anyone saw self in such compromising position. Have decided on extra resolution: do not embarrass self. Ha; easier said than done.

Located Harry and Ron with surprising ease considering fortunes in day so far. Bought food from trolley, also without incident, and was beginning to think that day may not be so bad when carriage was invaded by slimy-grot-bag-Malfoy and goons. Would think that Slytherins would learn to stop messing with Gryffindors, but seems they do not. Expect attempted retribution from them at point in future.

Time passed fairly slowly, but since was without watch it was impossible to tell exactly what time was. Felt that it would be violating 'do not embarrass self' resolution to ask time from Harry or Ron, since it would mean admitting to loss of watch, and thus to own disorganised state. Both aforementioned wizards have not lost their watches, so seems beyond careless that have managed to lose own.

Managed to make it through rest of journey and Sorting Feast without needing watch or embarrassing self unduly. Only had to avoid question of time once from Parvati Patil, when managed to distract attention by commenting on how silver Dumbledore's beard is this year. Think Parvati now considers self to be slightly crazy, but never mind.

Have resolved to get watch ASAP before anyone, especially self, can convey this opinion to general student population.

_**September 2nd**_

_Watches received from home: 0  
Number of occasions asked for the time by other students: 6  
Number of occasions asked for the time by staff: 2_

Still have not received watch from home. Am hoping that will receive it soon, otherwise will be forced to buy new one. Was asked for time eight times in total today, twice by Parvati. First time managed to make up a time based on guesswork of how much time had elapsed since last saw clock in previous classroom, but second time was forced to invent diverting remark again, mentioning how long Snape's hair has gotten over the holidays. Reckon that Parvati now thinks that self has obsession with male members of staff, especially after was also asked time by Flitwick and could only turn slightly pink and mutter about the weather.

In other news, have noticed v. cute Ravenclaw from seventh year walking corridors near Gryffindor common room. Know that should not ogle wizards when am constantly telling Ron/Harry that girls are people not objects of lust, but cannot help self when cute targets present themselves. Also feel slightly guilty about noticing 'other boys' when am with Harry and Ron, as feel certain loyalty to them, as if should spend time noticing them instead. Difficulties, difficulties.

_**September 5th**_

_Watches received: 0 (bad)  
Cute Ravenclaw names discovered: 0 (v. bad)  
Times almost hit Malfoy but thought better of it: 25 (good)_

Still no sign of elusive timepiece. Feel that am destined to never again know what time it is, and shall always be late to all engagements. This is v. annoying, as was previously known for punctuality. Have resolved that will order new watch tomorrow by owl post. May even get self wizarding watch!

On upside, have not been asked time at all today; entire student body and staff must by now have come to conclusion that am more-than-reluctant to share such information with anyone, even my closest friends. Can almost hear conspiracy theories from here. 'Voldemort to be stopped by not knowing what time it is!' perhaps, or even better: 'Harry Potter in time-mystery shocker!'

Have seen the v. cute Ravenclaw three more times since earlier in week, twice in library. Wonder if is possible that v. cute Ravenclaw is following self, like slightly-obsessive-quidditch-playing Krum? Is probably too much to hope for.

_**September 6th**_

_Watches ordered: 1  
Watches discovered in suitcase: 1  
Cute Ravenclaws spotted: 0 :(_

In tradition of muggle 'Murphy's Law', finally found own watch less than ten minutes after sending order for new one. Is typical, but to be expected. Own watch was in pocket of jacket that had been wearing day before packing for Hogwarts. Most annoying thing is that once here, could have easily 'Accio'ed watch into own hand, only had thought that watch was still at home so didn't even try.

Have sent owl home to call off the search for the renegade timepiece, but have decided not to cancel order for new wizarding watch, as reckon it will be fun to have.

Have not seen v. cute Ravenclaw today, which is v. disappointing. Find self wanting to spend even more time than usual in Library in hopes of catching glimpse of him, but at same time realise that is probably best if do not. Must repeat to self that crushes are not good, as they distract self from other important tasks such as doing homework, correcting Harry/Ron when they are wrong and staying one step ahead of Malfoy's plans to torment first years. Still, would be a shame not to at least find out his name…

On topic of Malfoy, feel compelled to note that said slimy-grot-bag-Slytherin seemed in particularly foul mood today. Hope that he ate something that disagreed with him for breakfast, or that he has caught a forty-eight hour bug. Or even a forty-eight week bug. In fact, probably wouldn't complain if phantom-illness lasted for Malfoy's entire life. Chances are probably on a par with Voldemort developing a taste for ballet and living out the remainder of the war dressed in a pink tutu, but never mind.

Now have mental picture of Voldemort in pink tutu, being tossed lightly around the stage by Death Eaters in pink lycra tights. Ew, Lucius Malfoy in pink lycra. Not a good image.

Seeing as how now have own watch back and can see that is past midnight, should probably get to bed and sleep. And hopefully not dream of evil wizards re-enacting Swan Lake.


	2. The Evils of Raspberry Jam

**_September 7th_**

_Strange dreams about Death Eaters: 0 (good)  
Times stopped Ron yelling at Harry: 3 (not bad)  
Times yelled at Harry myself: 1 (not good)_

10.30am – Finally have own watch, so can use it to write entries which have times in them. All good. Sadly have little to write.

11.05am – Event! Turned up at Arithmancy this morning to find tables had been moved around! Shock horror! OK, that's possibly not so interesting as other events, but never mind…

On the theme of noteworthy events, should probably mention small falling-out between self, Harry and Ron at breakfast. Am blaming the evil raspberry jam, with its tart taste and too many pippy bits in, since it was the passing of aforementioned jam that caused stern words to be said. All is made up and friendly now, but have resolved to treat the preserve with caution, as is probably an instrument of Voldemort himself, spreading dischord and shattering harmony wheresoever it goes.

Pleasingly, have not yet had any disturbing dreams of the Forces of Evil performing ballet. Hope that trend continues, otherwise may have to report self to hospital wing for counselling.

3.07pm – Harry still not quite himself after the 'raspberry jam' incident this morning. Must remember that is v. bad idea to be winding him up. Have tried offering him chocolate in condolence, but does not seem to have helped. Must think of something better to try.

3.20pm – Aha! Inspiration strikes. Have decided to give Harry subscription to Quidditch Monthly magazine, in hopes that will raise his spirits. Have sent off order form, am now waiting for first issue which should appear by return owl.

5.46pm – It arrived! Gave magazine to Harry, who was v. pleased with gift. Harry said he did not hold me personally responsible for any 'stern words' that were said, and that he was v. touched at own thoughtfulness. Found self going all glowy inside at such gratitude, and suggested to him the true cause of all the unpleasantness was the jam. Am not sure whether he was being completely honest when he agreed, or whether he was just trying to be nice. Hmm.

**_September 8th_**

_Jars of evilness removed from Gryffindor table: 5 (v. good)  
Times insulted Malfoy today: 24 (excellent)  
Mistakes corrected in Ron's homework: 45 (not bad for Ron)_

This morning at breakfast decided to be helpful to all Gryffindors by removing all jars of the conserve of evil and swapping them for nice, friendly strawberry jam instead. However, did not want to inflict the raspberry on Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw (especially not the cute, seventh year Ravenclaws) so occupied self throughout meal by crafty use of 'Wingardium Leviosa' to swap jars with the Slytherins. Feel that since both they and the jars are evil, they will get on well together. Snakes of a feather, ahem, scale, and all that.

Spent evening correcting Ron's charms essay. Am thoroughly appalled at friend's lack of grammatical correctness, magical accuracy and precise spelling. Note to self: do not let Ron see this diary.

**_September 9th_**

_Times embarrassed self today: 2 (v. bad)  
Sightings of cute Ravenclaw wizards: 0 (v. v. bad)  
Times insulted Malfoy today: 2 (pathetic)_

Have had thoroughly miserable day. Did not see any cute Ravenclaw wizards, in fact, did not see any cute wizards of any sort. Even Slytherin wizards would have done, just as reminder to self that attractive members of opposite sex do exist at Hogwarts. Sigh.

Aside from depressing lack of eye candy in corridors, have only seen Malfoy twice today, so have not been able to properly exercise own 'insult' muscles. Is very sad. Hope that will not grow thoroughly un-witty through lack of practice, so that only retain the humorous comeback vocabulary of small, inexperienced squirrel. Would practice on inanimate objects but am afraid of being caught by peers and thus breaking 'do not embarrass self' resolution.

On topic of self-embarrassment, feel that should really learn spell for keeping shoelaces tied. Is not at all poised, composed and in manner of mature refined woman to fall over own untied shoelaces twice in one day. Would not have been so bad, had second occasion not been in front of entire school when entering Great Hall for lunch.

**_September 10th_**

_Times tripped over shoelaces today: 1 (could be worse)  
Jars of raspberry jam on table at breakfast: 0 (v. v. good)  
Insults for Malfoy: 29 (much better)_

Have found solution to shoe-lace issue, after final embarrassment this morning in Herbology. Was entering greenhouse 3 when tripped over shoelace and fell into Harry and Ron, who were in front. Luckily they only found incident mildly amusing and few others noticed, but resolved to fix problem as soon as possible. Have now visited Professor Flitwick and have charm for temporary gluing, which shall henceforth be used on own shoes every morning.

Spoke to Dobby yesterday evening when was working late finished essay for Potions, and have persuaded him to remove all evil raspberry jam from Gryffindor table. Was v. pleased this morning to see promise upheld, as all jam was either blackcurrant, strawberry or, strangely, loganberry. Oh, and marmalade for Ginny, who has an affinity for orange jam. Maybe something to do with her own hair colour? Ouch, mean comment. Note to self: do not let Ginny read this diary either.


	3. The Trouble With Shoelaces

_Author's Note: Sorry that it's been so long since I updated this. After HBP came out I was lacking slightly in inspriation, only wanting to read it again and again and again, and not really feeling like devoting time to my own writing. This is short, but hopefully it'll be worth the wait. If you want more, you know what to do..._

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**_September 11th_**

_Revelations about raspberry jam: 1 (shocking)  
New dilemmas in life since yesterday: 1 (bad)  
Times caught Ron looking at me then looking away again: 15 (strange)_

Have discovered a problem with the temporary gluing charm given to self by Flitwick yesterday. Apparently, 'temporary' is not as short as had hoped. Could not get shoes off last night, as laces were glued irrecovably together. Am unsure how to proceed; to ask Flitwick would be admitting reason that wanted charm in first place, but to not ask Flitwick would be resigning self to sleeping in shoes for second night in a row. Hmm, such a dilemma requires careful thought.

On a more sugary note, have discovered shocking revelation about previously-assumed-evil raspberry jam. Appears that was wrong about the preserve, since according to Harry it is Dumbledore's favourite. Surely, the greatest wizard of all time would not have chosen jam-of-all-evilness to go on his toast if he thought it was in any way connected with dischord and wrong doings. Am truely ashamed at own uselessness.

Harry seems in a much better mood today. Is possible that he had few bad dreams last night, or that he has received smile or compliment from Ginny. Alternatively, could also be that self has stopped rambling to him about evilness of raspberry jam. Hmm.

Have begun to notice strange behaviour from Ron. Have noticed on multiple ocassions that he appears to be trying to glace at self without being noticed. Feel almost like should tell him that he is not succeeding, only would probably embarrass friend by doing so. Difficulties, difficulties.

**_September 12th_**

_Days 'til birthday: 6 (less than a week left!)  
Shoes still stuck to feet: 2 (v. bad)  
Times cursed Malfoy and got away with it: 3 (v. good)_

8.30am: -Slept for second night running with shoes still glued on as was far too embarrassed to go to Flitwick about it. Am actually going to skip Arithmancy this morning to go to library and try to find counter-charm for gluing spell, as cannot face idea of trying to hide extremely bulky shoes under thin duvet from Parvarti and Lavendar again this evening.

8.55am - Have arrived at library. Hopefully holy-grail-of-knowledge that is the Hogwarts library will be able to provide self with answers.

12.40pm - Have found nothing yet. Am severely disappointed. Am going to get lunch then return to search.

1.26pm - Ran into Harry and Ron at lunch. Think that managed to avoid questioning about absence from lectures in impeccable fashion. Conversation ran thus:

"Hermione! Where have you been? We missed you in Herbology."  
"Oh! Harry! Ron! I've been... ill."  
"Ill? Are you OK? What's the matter?"  
"I've, um, I've got a cough." Cue coughing for effect.  
"Have you been to see Madam Pomfrey?" Damn Harry's quick brain!  
"Um, no, I've been taking muggle medicine... I kind of thought that it would get better on its own..."  
"You really should see Madam Pomfrey. She'll help a lot faster."  
"Yeah, you're right Harry. I'll go this afternoon." More coughing for effect.  
"OK... well, you get better soon."  
"Thanks guys."

Think that was very convincing.

1.36pm - Back to the search! Surely will find something this afternoon?

3.12pm - Nothing.

4.25pm - Nothing.

6.24pm - Cannot believe that library is failing self at important time like this!

7.22pm - Have managed to sneakily get tea without bumping into Harry or Ron. Also managed to curse slimy-grot-bag-Malfoy three times in a row without him realising. Think that was excellent use of break. However, now must return to search. Cannot go to bed with shoes on again tonight.

8.56pm - Still looking.

10.54pm - So tired! But still looking. Cannot give up.

11.45pm - Am breaking 'do not embarrass self' resolution again. Was found asleep in library by Ginny, slumped over book on 'Shoe Charms'. Was so tired, could not help but tell her what was wrong and why hadn't been seen at all today.

"Hermione, why didn't you just cut the laces off the shoes?"

Wish had told Ginny earlier. Have been very stupid.


	4. Friday the 13th

_Author's Note: One day, I might get to what happens on Hermione's birthday. Maybe. Probably not today though._

* * *

_**September 13th **(Friday!)_

_Shoes slept in last night: 0 (thanks to Ginny)  
Days to birthday:5 (good)  
Number of times received Friday-13th-type bad luck: 4 (v. bad)_

Finally got good nights sleep last night, thanks to Ginny's 'scissors' revelation. Really should have thought of that before spent entire day in library. Feel this does not bode well for general intelligence level this year. Think it probably best not to tell others about own stupidity, as might tarnish own reputation of being 'smartest witch of Hogwarts'. Note to self: swear Ginny to secrecy.

Cannot believe that 'Friday 13th' muggle myth seems to have permeated into wizarding society this year. Never noticed it before. Suddenly, am the unfortunate target of all bad luck running around Hogwarts. For example, so far today have been stuck in pairs with slimy-grot-bag-Malfoy in potions (whilst Harry and Ron looked on and laughed; evil, evil friends) and, in same potions class, managed to spill entire cauldron of colour-changing potion down front of robes. Managed to get most of potion off before it started to take effect, but still am walking around with patch on right leg which keeps going between blue, green and mauve intermittently. Cannot even remove with cleaning spell, for some reason. Suspect slimy-grot-bag-Malfoy had something to do with it, adding extra ingredient to own potion. Am not entirely sure that cauldron-tipping was accident either. Hate leaving dirty clothes for poor, enslaved house elves but feel that in this case have little choice.

After potions, bad luck continued like large freight train heading for brick wall. Caught bag on sharp window ledge on entering greenhouse three, sending books and ink flying everywhere. Managed to repare bag, but lost all ink on floor. Must now spend rest of day borrowing from Harry and/or Ron. Hate looking stupid in front of Harry and Ron. Is stressful for Harry to think that friend is going stupid on him at crucial point in wizarding war. Is also stressful for self. Might not be stressful for Ron, but feel that on some level it should be.

Ran into slimy-grot-bag-Malfoy again later, and was in such state of stress and self-pity that could not think of witty-and-cutting reply to usual insults. Feel that day is now complete loss. Wish had not got up this morning - wish that had stayed in bed, shoe-free, and caught up on sleep.

Wonder if have been on recieving end of some kind of Anti-Felix Felicis? Must watch pumpkin juice in mornings in future. Maybe should start emulating Mad Eye Moody in form of paranoid-auror, and only drink from own hip-flask? Hmm, must give such ideas more thought.


	5. A Witches Watch

_**September 14th**_

_Bad-luck-type events: 0 (v. v. good)  
Days until birthday: 4 (getting closer)  
Wizarding watches arrived: 1 (v. good indeed)_

8.02am - Finally, day of bad luck has ended. Can now return to semblance of normality without entire school thinking am complete loser/twit/brainless moron with intelligence of Grawp. Note to self: Do not let Hagrid read this diary.

Received new wizarding watch by owl this morning at breakfast. Was very eager to get to put it on. Will record all future times in today's entry by new, wonderful watch.

9.00am - Have arrived at first lesson. New watch has lots of hands on the face, so is quite difficult to tell exactly what time is, but am working on it. Also, manual boasts of numerous 'features', but neither details what they are or how to use them. Hmm. Ooh, teacher here, must put away diary and work.

10.00am - Next lesson. Have studied watch further. Think that features are spell-activated. Still unsure as to what they are though, or exactly what spells need to be used.

10.32am - Only half an hour past? Seems much longer. But is all good really - Flitwick let us out early!

11.05am - Late for next lesson! Cannot believe this is happening to me. Could have sworn had at least 15 minutes left 'til needed to leave last time looked at watch. Must not get so involved in books!

3.25pm - Am beginning to get suspicious of watch. Either own watch is telling faulty time, else we should have been let out of this class half an hour ago. Am loathed to ask Harry or Ron for time, as would be verging on braking 'do not embarrass self' resolution. Cannot stand to resurrect whole 'what is time' scenario again.

10.34am - Watch definitely has sense of humour. Possibly even sadistic one. Cannot possibly be morning, as have had lunch. In fact, is almost time for tea. At least, think it is almost time for tea. With malfunctioning watch is hard to tell.

5.32am - Have read through user manual for watch again. Manual is v. cagey about revealing how watch works, merely suggesting that watch is influenced by wearer. Find that v. insulting, as implies that am poorly organised or incapable of keeping track of time. Pah. Am sure that have never in entire life felt that time should run backwards in day. Will send stupid watch back for refund, and will return to wearing muggle watch again tomorrow. Cannot expect to be on time for things if have faulty timepiece.


	6. Secret Conversations

_**September 15th**_

_Days until birthday: 3 (can almost taste birthday cake)  
Angry letters sent: 1  
Replies recieved: 0  
Secret conversations interrupted: 2 (or so it would seem)_

Well, have sent angry letter to watch company. Said that watch was disgrace, and that am insulted to think that am so disorganised. Demanded full refund of money, and apology for hurt feelings. Think that might have gotten a bit carried away on demanding of apologies, but was v. tired and upset at time of writing. No reply as yet, but not entirely surprising as only sent it ten minutes ago.

Have returned to muggle watch, and am much happier with it. Cannot understand need of wizarding world to 'improve' items such as watches which work perfectly well without magic. Surely is far better to have watch that works and tells time properly than watch that is as bad at keeping time as its owner? What point is there to having watch in such case?

On happier note, am v. glad that birthday is now only three days away. Am looking forward muchly to birthday this year, as will hopefully be recieving v. nice presents from home. Have insisted to parents that at least some of presents must be muggle presents, not magical ones, as am fed up of magical items always not quite being what you expect. What is wrong with a t-shirt that is just a t-shirt? Don't see why is necessary for t-shirt to turn pretty colours, or to give off pretty smells. Could easily bewitch muggle t-shirt to do either of those myself anyway, if wanted to.

Have encountered two situations today that found v. strange. On both occasions, walked into Gryffindor common room to find Harry talking to someone. Which should not be v. odd. But what is v. odd is that both times when walked in, Harry and other person suddenly found need to discuss weather in abnormally loud voices. First time was Ginny, which could possibly have understood, only did not appear to be romantic-gushy-type conversation. Second time was Lavender, which is considerably stranger. Why was Harry talking to Lavender anyway? Have not noticed Harry talking to Lavender in secretive fashions before. Hmm.

5.06pm - Have interrogated Ginny about Harry, whilst trying to be v. cagey about avoiding mention of non-conversation that had witnessed earlier. Ginny does not appear to be in particularly pro-Harry mood, so is unlikely that conversation earlier had significant romantic overtones. Do not want to interrogate Lavender, as would not really know how to start conversation with her.

Am not sure where this leaves me, other than not much more informed that was earlier.


	7. A World Gone Bananas

_**September 16th**_

_Days until birthday: 2 (yay!)  
Explanatory letters recieved: 1  
Strange conversations witnessed: 3  
Times caught Ron looking at me again: 5 (v. odd)_

Recieved reply this morning from wizarding watch company. Was v. apologetic, presenting list about as tall as self of reasons why watch could have been faulty. Feel sorry for poor owl which had to carry said letter of apology. However, was not in vain for poor owl, as list included probable reason of malfunction; own past use of time turner apparently confused watch. Find this slightly worrying, as was not aware that use of time turner had potential damaging effects in future, such as not being able to wear wizarding watches. Must write to Ministry of Magic and enquire as to other possible side effects. Hope that will not cause self to be some how removed from time, jumping back and forth in manner of star of Quantum Leap, muggle sci-fi programme. Could not face thought of waking up every morning and not knowing when self was, let alone where. Is shudder-worthy thought.

Anyway, wizarding watch-making company provided self with full refund, and catalogue of other items which they sell. Am tempted by self-tieing shoes.

Strangeness abounds not only in own life, but apparently has permeated into entire of Gryffindor. Have witnessed three more secretive and strange conversations today, two with Harry and Parvati and one with Ron and Ginny. Am starting to worry that wizarding war is taking toll on friends. May have to suggest early nights and chat with Madam Pomfrey. Failing that, Dumbledore. Nothing like taking your troubles to the top.

As if strange conversations weren't enough, have also had to contend with Ron. Seems that whenever turned around in Potions, Ron was looking at self. Could not be completely sure until last time, when caught him at it. Friend turned significant shade of red and hid behind cauldron. Did not catch him again, though reckon slimy-grot-bag-Malfoy was also watching.Was worried for Ron that slimy-grot-bag-Malfoy might try something after class, but he didn't. Everything just gets stranger and stranger. Hmm.

**_September 17th_**

_Days until birthday: 1 (not a day too soon)  
Strange events: 6 (getting worried now)  
Times run into Malfoy, let alone insulted/cursed him: 0 (v. v. bad)_

Day has been entirely rubbish, complete waste of breakfast. Had no decent homework to settle into after class, as had completed it all already. Could always do Harry's or Ron's, but feel that would not be instilling them with appropriate sense of responsibility to let them think that they can leave it for me to do. Went patrolling corridors instead in hopes of seeing something interesting, but there was nothing. No slimy-grot-bag-Malfoy to insult, no smaller witches and wizards to enforce laws to and no cute wizards to admire. Very disappointing.

Only small consolation is that day after tomorrow is birthday, so really only have one day left, plus small few hours of this one. Am glad that this day is over, because was such useless day.

Have read in book that January 23rd is most depressing day of year mathematically, because of distance from Christmas and New Year and pay day and the like. Would like to contend that with own experiences, and instate September 17th as new 'most rubbish day' of year.

Strange events have also been on the increase. Today witnessed Harry and Ron actually discussing divination outside of class or homework exercise. Was incredibly odd; why would Harry and Ron care whether Jupiter was in fifth or sixth house? Friends have never cared about such stupid things before. Also overhead Ginny worrying about the number of owls in the owlery, and what would happen were Hogwarts to run out of them. Tried to console her with fact that are far too many to run out, even if every student was sending letters, as they could always borrow extra from post office in Hogsmeade. Am not sure that managed to be v. helpful, as Ginny seemed to get more distraught and ran off fretting about post office in Hogsmeade being overrun by Death Eaters.

Am going to bed immediately. Hopefully all will be less strange tomorrow.

**_September 18th_**

_Hours til birthday: 3  
New pieces of homework accumulated: 1  
Strange occurances: too many to count_

Day has been no less strange than yesterday. All manner of friends running off halfway through conversations with self, claiming to have forgotten things or left books behind in classrooms, bedrooms and Great Hall. Witnessed people having more strange conversations (see Harry, Ron and divination yesterday) and Ginny has still not lost frantic worry about owls and post offices. Think that height of strangeness for today was Ron actually reprimanding a first year for jumping up and down on sofa in common room. Whole world has gone bananas, right down to the yellow slip-up-on-it-and-call-it-physical-comedy skin.

Still, do not care much, as in two hours and forty five minutes it will be birthday! Am so excited, cannot even bring self to start writing exciting essay on moonstones for potions. Must get to sleep soon, so that can wake up feeling all refreshed for tomorrow...

10.30pm - Cannot sleep, am so excited!

10.32pm - Must sleep. Otherwise will spend birthday tired.

10.45pm - Will just read one chapter of Hogwarts: A History to help aid sleep.

11.36pm - OK, so read more than one chapter. Cannot help self - is fascinating book! Will definitely sleep now.

11.40pm - Cannot!  
11.45pm - Must.  
11.50pm - But cannot!

11.58pm - OK, may as well stay awake now! Will just lie here for two minutes and wait for midnight, then can get all excited about birthday!  
11.59pm - Zzzzzz.


	8. Birthday!

**_September 19th_**

_Do not care about resolutions today, am having day off from counting_

7.45am - It's my birthday! It's my birthday! My birthday! Yay!

7.48am - OK, have calmed down now.  
7.49am - Birthday!

7.50am - Cannot believe that fell asleep last night before midnight. Shocking. Is probably best for those who share room with self, however, as if up would have been dancing around room singing unintelligable babble about it being birthday, day of presents and cake and whatnot. Will now get up and dressed, and head for common room to wait for friends to have breakfast with.

8.05am - Friends are lazy, must be still in bed. Will go wake them up.

8.15am- Well that went well. Went to Ginny first, to give lazy boys longer to wake up on own. Conversation went thus:

"Ginny! Ginny! Wake up, time for breakfast!"  
"Mmmph."  
"Come on Ginny, else you'll be late for classes."  
"Mmmmph... goway." Shocking. Shall forgive friend for comment, but only because it is birthday and am feeling especially lenient today. And because am about to be v. evil.  
"Ginny, your mother's coming!"  
"Wha!" Better. Get measure of sadistic pleasure from watching Ginny go from asleep to fully alert in less than half a second.  
"Only joking. Now come on, get up, time for breakfast!"  
"K..."  
"I'll see you downstairs. I've got to go wake up Harry and Ron."  
"'Mione?"  
"Yes?"  
"'Py brthdy."

And so bounced off down stairs in suitably bouncy fashion for girl who is having v. good birthday so far, and not even 9am yet.

Next went to wake Harry and Ron.

"Harry, Ron, wake up! Breakfast!"  
"Mmph."  
"Mmble... spiders... meh.."  
"Come on lads, get up, got to go get food." V. annoyed, as recieved nothing but snores in response. Calls for drastic measures."Harry, Ron, it's the Quidditch World Cup and if you don't get up now you'll miss the final!"  
"I'mawake!"  
"Quidditch?" Love how shallow boys are sometimes.  
"Sorry, no quidditch. But there is breakfast, which is commonly acknowledged the world over as an excellent substitute."  
"Hermione, nothing is a substitute for quidditch." Rolled eyes and put hands on hips in suitably unimpressed fashion in manner of sophisticated, aloof wonder witch. Whose birthday it just happens to be.  
"Ronald, there is always a substitute for quidditch, you just may not like it."  
"Hermione?"  
"Yes, Harry?"  
"Happy Birthday."  
"Yeah, Happy Birthday 'Mione."

Love life!

8.45am - Had lovely breakfast. Sausage and bacon and scrambled eggs and mushrooms and tomatoes and black pudding and hash browns and toast. Was v. v. yummy. Do not normally indulge self so much at breakfast, but felt that since was birthday, was excellent excuse to do so today. Also, was not jar of raspberry jam in sight, which is v. good, as despite retraction of previous sentiments as to the evilness of said raspberry jam, am still not overly fond of the preserve.

Owl post brought self plenty of v. nice surprises, with no less than four owls carrying cards and presents from home. Have recieved cards fromparents, grandparents, Mary-Sue next door, Aunty Katy and Uncle William, muggle friends Lucy and Sophia and cousins Danielle and Luke. Am also now proud owner of new pair of gloves, wand cleaning kit, three new muggle fiction books (hurrah!) and a telescope. Telescope was from parents, who apparently were determined to find muggle item which could be used for magical purposes. Am v. pleased, as is beautiful gift.

Have now returned to common room to fetch important items for day, such as school books, bag, ink, quills etc. Have been promised further cards and presents from friends after classes today. Birthday is going v. well.

11.53am - If is possible, birthday just got even better. Have just been witness to possibly only day in history when Snape will ever discipline slimy-grot-bag-Malfoy. Made even better by fact that just ten minutes earlier, Snape actually gave Gryffindor five points, and did not take them away again! Is v. strange, but also v. nice! Three possible scenarios present themselves;  
1. Snape has been replaced by polyjuiced version of Mad-Eye Moody or other Gryffindor-loving person  
2. Am dreaming, and will wake up in minute to find none of this actually happened  
3. Finally good luck is all coming at once to compensate for absolutely rubbish days earlier in month

Hope very hard that is scenario 3 and not 2. Although 1 would be v. amusing.

12.05pm - Have not woken up yet. Is v. good sign.

1.30pm - Have had v. nice lunch. Have no lessons this afternoon, so think will head up to Gryffindor Tower to sit and read one of new muggle fiction books before Ginny finishes her lessons. Am looking forward v. much to present and card opening session that am anticipating later.

1.35pm - V. strange. Have just bumped into Harry coming down from Gryffindor Tower. Conversation ran thus:

"Hey Harry."  
"Hermione!"  
"Yes, that is my name."  
"Um, yeah, of course. Um, where are you off to?"  
"I'm just heading back to the common room, I thought I might read a bit in my afternoon off."  
"No! No. You can't do that."  
"Um, why not?"  
"Er, some of the first years have been playing around with some of Fred and George's merchandise and it smells awful in there. Why not wait a bit. Besides, I... have something to show you!"  
"Um, ok. Lead the way." Was v. confused by friend's strange behaviour, but is against resolution to deny Harry such harmless request as feel that might jeopardise his currently good mood. "Where are we going?"  
"To... to Hagrid's. He wants to wish you a Happy Birthday." Brightened up at news of more birthday wishes.  
"Really? That's nice of him."  
"Yeah, well, you know Hagrid."

So am now headed down to Hagrid's.

1.43pm - Reached Hagrid's. Hagrid was v. pleased to see us. Gave me homemade card saying "Happipy Birrtday Herrmyonee" on front and signed by him and Grawp inside. Was v. touched. Also gave me some homemade rock cakes, which shall not be eating as value intact state of teeth (as should, as daughter of dentists) but was v. sweet of him all the same. Will either feed them to Crookshanks, who will eat anything, or to Ron, who is possibly even less fussy than cat.

3.25pm - Have finally left Hagrid's and am walking back up to castle. Cannot believe how long we stayed! Kept feeling that it might be time to go, but every time was about to mention it, Harry started another conversation. Could not upset him, so stayed until he finally looked at watch and said 'look at the time!' and other apologetic leaving-type comments. Harry mentioned important meeting with Ron which should have been at five minutes ago, so being magnaminous soul, let him run on ahead to common room. Hope that meeting with Ron will not jeopardise present and card opening session.

3.35pm - Reached common room. Am getting v. annoyed with Fat Lady, who will not let me into the common room, as claims that do not have correct password. Will have to wait for someone to come out. Hmph.

3.46pm - Finally! Ginny has arrived, looking v. out of breath. Asked what is matter, but friend merely smiled knowingly and led way into common room.

"Surprise!"

Cannot believe it. Friends have thrown surprise birthday for self and did not even see warning signs. Though now some of strange happenings begin to make sense.

3.50pm - Is wonderful party. Lots of balloons and cakes and butterbeer and hats and streamers and those little noise maker things that no-one really knows what they're called, but a party wouldn't be complete without them. Love friends.

3.59pm - Everyone is here! Entire of Gryffindor, Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff it would seem, though am sure that is not possible. Have recieved so many cards that cannot possibly count them all, and some v. wonderful presents from friends, including self-tieing shoes from Ginny (who obviously knows me too well). Am now going to have lots of fun at party.

10.23pm - Party declared over by Professor McGonagall, who came up to common room to find source of all the noise. Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws sent back to common rooms.

10.36pm - Party restarted by Ginny, Harry, Ron and some other Gryffindors.

10.49pm - Party stopped again by Professor McGonagall, who called us all noisy troublemakers. Would be offended, but am still having too much fun.

10.56pm - Party restarted by Ginny, Harry and Ron.

11.05pm - Party brought to permanent close by McGonagall who threatened us with cleaning floor of Great Hall without magic every night for next month if she was forced to come upstairs and tell us again. Do not think that she would carry out such threat, but am not willing to risk it, so said goodnight and much thank yous to friends and went to bed.

11.40pm - Have had lovely birthday. :)


	9. Post Birthday Depression

_Author's Note: I'm glad you liked Hermione's birthday. :) She had a lovely day. Sadly, there isn't much mileage in her being happy, so things will be getting a little more 'woe-is-me' for a while. Don't worry about her though, things will turn out alright in the end. Besides, Hermione's inner monologue is a right Drama Queen anyway; mountains out of molehills and all that... ;)_

* * *

**_September 20th_**

_Total number of cards received yesterday: 56 (new record for self!)  
Stern words from Flitwick: 36 (yes, I counted)  
Sore toes: 1 (v. bad)  
Sore elbows: 1 (also v. bad)  
Feeling of miserable-ness on scale of 1 to 10: 9 1/2 _

Got up this morning, still on wonderful feeling of great birthday yesterday. Then looked at clock, and realised that had overslept and had five minutes to get up, dressed and into charms. Was ten minutes late, and received stern words from Flitwick about it at the end of the lesson. Am sure that Harry and Ron found that v. amusing, however do not share their sentiments.

On way out of classroom, managed to stub toe on door frame, causing arms flailing and subsequent whacking of elbow on wall. Was v. painful. Even more annoyingly, managed to do all this just as slimy-grot-bag-Malfoy was walking down the corridor, and saw the whole painful incident. Was in so much pain that could not even come up with witty response to evil-mini-Death-Eater-smirk. Am having v. bad day.

Spoke to Ginny after class; she reckons it is classic case of 'post-birthday depression', where yesterday was so totally amazing that anything but perfection today would pale in insignificance. Add to that realisation that am another year older, and is a wonder am not trying to throw self off top of astronomy tower. Personally think that absence of cute wizards in life is probably not helping matters. In fact, am feeling so rubbish today that would settle for compliment from almost anyone. Except possibly Malfoy.

**_September 21st_**

_Times embarrassed self today: 1 (could be worse)  
Times injured self today: 1 (better than yesterday)  
Sightings of cute seventh year wizards: 1_

Was beginning to feel that all cute wizards had been forced to leave Hogwarts by Snape or other Gryffindor-hating (or Hermione-hating) professors just to make own life a misery. However, tide was turned this morning, when witnessed cute seventh year Hufflepuff wizard exiting library. Was entering library at time, so did not get time for further study, but at least incident has served to reaffirm faith in world. Or Hogwarts, at any rate.

It was also in library that managed to perform self-embarrassment for today. Luckily, there were no cute wizards in sight, though did see some third-year Slytherins skulking behind a bookcase. Hope that does not mean story will get back to Malfoy. Was just reaching up to top shelf to pull book out (for researching Potions assignment) when realised that books on this particular top shelf were quite tightly packed. Realisation was not in time, however, to prevent entire top shelf falling forward off shelf onto self. Luckily managed to get out of way of most of the heavier books, but still have v. sore head from where was almost decapitated by W. Fellows's '50 Cures for Commone Ailementes of Ye Heade'. The irony of the situation does not escape me. Think that Madam Pomfrey thought that was making it up when went to hospital wing in attempt to ease suffering later this afternoon. Have resolved to take said book to show her next time am in vacinity of hospital wing. Cannot have people thinking that am crazier than actually am (since that is plenty crazy enough already).

**_September 22nd_**

_Times injured self today: 0 (hurrah!)  
Wizarding book catalogues discovered: 1  
Amount of homework left to do this evening: 0 (disappointing)_

Am v. pleased to report that have managed not to injure self at all today. Is v. nice not to have constant head, toe or elbow pain throbbing and distracting self from important reading/homework/looking out for cute seventh years.

Think that Ginny noticed that was having bad day yesterday. Possibly her notice was helped by the fact that found self moaning to poor friend about it this morning. In typical Weasley rising-to-the-challenge fashion, Ginny was v. lovely and consoled self in excellent manner; she presented me with a wizarding book catalogue. Am v. excited. Company claims to be able to deliver any book from any wizarding or muggle library within two days. Even offers rental service for poor students such as self, who cannot afford to buy the ten thousand books that having company such as this available would entice self to buy. Love Ginny.

Have no homework tonight, as finished it all yesterday. Am resisting temptation to go and do Harry's and Ron's for them. Instead, will browse through book catalogue to see if anything jumps out. Catalogue is very clever; works like muggle search engine on Internet, only better, as catalogue does not crash and say ''the computer has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down'' or other stupid error message. User simply thinks of what type of book they would like, and page opens on suitable books. Is v. clever.

Tomorrow is weekend! Cannot wait. Will set up telescope and see what can see with it.


	10. Chocolate and Books

**_September 23rd_**

_Hours slept in this morning: 3 (v. good)  
Bars of chocolate eaten: 5 (feel slightly sick)  
Interesting things seen with telescope: 1_

Am having v. good weekend. For once in life found self to be glad that had no work to do, as it meant that could lie in bed for three extra hours this morning without feeling slight bit of guilt. When finally got downstairs, was even more pleased to see that Mrs Weasley had sent copious amounts of chocolate to Ron and Ginny, who were protesting that two people could never eat so much chocolate, and so were givinghuge piles of itaway to Harry and myself. Yum. Passed on breakfast, and ate Honeydukes chocolate instead. Was v. nice, but am feeling slightly sick and slightly hyper now from sugar-overload.

Decided to take today as opportunity to set up new telescope. Had originally got intention of waiting for evening to spot stars and other astronomical-type phenomenon with it, but combination of too much sugar and being egged on by Harry, Ron and Ginny made self eager to set it up this afternoon instead. Have found that from common room window can see into office windows of Professors McGonagall and Snape. Think that there might be mileage in such discovery in future.

**_September 24th_**

_Bars of chocolate eaten: 2 (probably for the best)  
Books ordered from catalogue: 15  
Times left common room today other than to go to own room: 0_

Think am becoming some form of recluse, as did not leave common room at all today. Did not feel hungry enough to go all the way down to the great hall for food, instead relying on two of the larger bars of Weasley chocolate. Wonder if this is first step to future life as hermit, where will live in one room in house, never going out or seeing anyone, just 'accio'ing food at sporadic intervals from the kitchen and sending Crookshanks to go shopping so that don't have to get up from chair. Scary. Does not bear thinking about.

Feel that the reason behind own reclusiveness is book catalogue from Ginny. Have ordered no less than 15 books today from said catalogue. Think this might be a quick way to an empty bank account, but when faced with pile of books as tall as self do not care much. Other teenagers might think huge piles of clothes and makeup are the way to eutopia, but I know better.

**_September 25th_**

_New books delivered: 14  
New books read: 14  
Hours of sleep last night: 2 (v. bad)  
_

First of new books arrived just as was going to bed last night. Am not sure that 24 hour service is good thing, as was hooked from moment that first book arrived. Had just finished first book when second arrived. And so on and so forth, for rest of evening until five o'clock this morning. Finally recieved a letter (just as was finishing last few pages of excellent muggle murder mystery set in Ancient Egypt) saying that final book in order would be with me tomorrow evening. Cannot really be disappointed, since delivery of first fourteen books was excellently prompt. However, now find self exceedingly tired, as had to get up at 7am to be in time for breakfast before first class. Hate Monday mornings.

As if am not clumsy enough in normal state of affairs, find self being increasingly more clumsy when am tired. Have walked into three doors today already, tripped up on very flat floor with no visible cracks or raised areas and put foot into trick stair on staircase. Feel as if have taken 'do not embarass self' resolution, written it onto piece of paper and thrown into fire in Gryffindor common room. To make matters even worse, was on my own when trod on stupid staircase, and had to pretend that was tieing shoelace for fifteen minutes until Ron happened to walk past and could get him to help pull me out. Now have v. sore ankle and v. wounded pride. Still, love Ron as he didn't laugh (much) or run off to tell anyone else (except Harry and Ginny, but they are also friends and so are allowable). Wish could spend tomorrow in bed, orbetter, in library. Wish that still had time turner, so that could take whole day off sleeping then at end of day go back and do day again. Hmm, is worth thinking about.

* * *

_Author's Note: Sorry that this was a fairly short chapter. My muse has gone on holiday, or more likely been scared off by the freezing cold conditions in the room in which I'm writing. If you have any particular ideas of things you think Hermione should encounter or a situation you'd like to see me write then mention it in your feedback and I'll see what I can do. No promises, mind. And nothing too outlandish in the forms of suggestions either, I know what you're like..._


	11. Feeling Ill

_**September 26th**_

_Hours spent in bed: 15  
Lessons missed: 2  
Size of headache: small African country_

8.00am - Feel awful. Head hurts as if had just been hit by large truck. Cannot face lessons; am going back to bed.

12.56pm - Cannot believe that have missed so much work! Must get up, must get to afternoon classes.  
12.57pm - Am sure that room is not supposed to spin in such fashion. Must go back to bed.

2.32pm - Was just woken by Ginny, sent by Harry and Ron to check up on self. Is nice that friends are so thoughtful, but wish that was in a state to enjoy such thoughtfulness. Cannot write anymore, as page is blurring into one big scribbly mess, and brain feels like is threatening to jump out front of skull.

5.36pm - Woken again by Ginny, this time with tasty tea from Great Hall. Sadly do not feel in right state to eat most of it. Hate being ill!

6.02pm - Managed to get all the way down to the Common Room without passing out. Felt that was necessary to make an appearance to reassure Harry and Ron that am not dead. Cannot have Harry worrying about self when he has much more important things to be worrying about, such as killing Voldemort and saving whole of wizarding world and the like.

6.45pm - Could not take loud voices and bright lights any longer, and so have retreated back to own bed in dormitory. Will get some more sleep now, certainly will be better tomorrow.

**_September 27th_**

_Hours slept: lost count  
Books read in last 24 hours: 0 (v. bad sign)  
Overall feeling of well-being: 2 (out of ten)_

Could not remain consigned to bed any longer, so got up this morning anyway despite feelings over over-whelming rubbishness. Told self that illness is all in the head, and if did not think about it then would not feel ill. Unfortunately, my illness really is _in_ my head, so find self feeling worse even than when got up this morning.

Am currently sitting in charms, trying v. hard to hide just huge headache and ill-feeling from Ron and Harry, who have threatened to drag self to Madam Pomfrey if health was not improved today. Cannot give in to horrid germs; must stay strong, if only for Harry's sake.

11.56am - Where am I?  
11.58am - Turns out that am in hospital wing. Stood up to leave charms and promptly collapsed. Luckily, good friend Ron was standing close by and caught self before could hit the floor. Was then brought to hospital wing by aforementioned knight-in-shining-armour and Harry, where am now lieing.  
11.59am - Did I just call Ron my knight-in-shining-armour?  
12.00pm - Oh dear, sitting up was not a good idea... feel all woosy again...

12.16pm - Passed out again. Luckily, this time was already in hospital wing, so am in best place possible. So Madam Pomfrey told me, as I sobbed uncontrollably upon waking up that am not ill, am never ill, and have never passed out before. Not counting this morning, obviously.

2.30pm - Got some more sleep, and have just woken up again. Am pleased to note that whatever Madam Pomfrey fed to self was v. good, since feel considerably better than did earlier. Still only about a 5 out of ten, but will take any improvement going at the moment. On the upside, friends will be coming to visit later. Am looking forward v. much to seeing friends.

4.15pm - Friends! Harry, Ginny and Ron have all come to cheer up self, and say that being ill is not so bad after all, because you get 'Get Well Soon' cards and chocolate and the like. Nice friends brought cards from themselves and other Gryffindors. Was also presented with 'Get Well Soon' package from Mrs Weasley, containing chocolate, fudge, toffee and many other things that am sure am not supposed to be eating when sick. Do not care, as shall eat them when am feeling better.

5.32pm - Friends kicked out of hospital wing because 'Miss Granger needs her rest'. Meh. Miss Granger wants her friends here, actually. Meh, meh and meh again. Am being kept in over night "for observation" just in case suffer a relapse. Please, _please_, _**please**_, do not let me suffer a relapse. Do not think that could cope with another day of illness and general terrible health. Would even prefer to be stuck in room with Malfoy for ten minutes than another day of this. Possibly.

**_September 28th_**

_Times fainted: 0 (v. good)  
__Size of headache: very small furry creature  
Well-being on scale of one to ten: 7 1/2 (not bad)_

Seems that am finally over whole horrid illness. Mostly. Have been forced to stay bed ridden again today, but was released after classes had ended for the day. For some strange reason, Madam Pomfrey seemed to think that would be tempted back to potions today, merely because had suggested to Harry yesterday that would be matter of life or death if he did not take proper notes for it in my absence. Hmph. In own defence, should mention that was a v. important lesson. Not that all lessons are not v. important. Hmm, can possibly see Madam Pomfrey's point of view.

Anyway, am now sitting in Gryffindor Common Room, feeling slightly better now that am on the mend at last. Wonder where caught illness from in first place?

* * *

_Author's Note: Not a huge section again, but my protestation is that I'm not very well at the moment. Poor Hermione must have caught it from me... :(_


	12. Snape's Secret

_**September 29th **_

_Headaches: 0 (v. good)  
Books read today: 1 (must be feeling better then)  
Mysterious secrets of potions master alluded to: 1_

10.30am - Am v. glad that am feeling considerably better now. Could not cope if had been ill much longer. Really hate being ill. Will write again later.

4.26pm - Have finished all catch-up work from illness, and now do not know what to do with self. Do not want to just sit staring aimlessly into the fire in the common room. Hmm, what to do?  
4.29pm - Eureka-in-bathtub moment. Will get out telescope.

4.45pm - Is not really dark enough for looking at stars. Bother.  
4.46pm - No matter, will look at castle grounds instead, and see if can see anything.  
4.48pm - I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with 'S'... is Snape, skulking back from the castle gates. Looks like greasy potions master has been to Hogsmede. Wonder what he was doing? He's got a package with him... Mystery and intrigue all round.  
4.51pm - Has gone into the castle. Must try and remember where his office window was...

4.59pm - Have found Snape's office window. He is unwrapping the package, but stupid window frame is in the way, cannot see what it is... He looks pleased though. Will keep watching just in case...  
5.01pm - Was that a flash of... pink?  
5.02pm - Damn. Stupid slimey Snape has closed the shutters. Must take this as opportunity to inform Harry and Ron of discovery.

5.30pm - In common room. Have found Harry and Ron with Ginny. Conversation ran thus:

"You three will never guess what I've just seen."  
"Malfoy being nice to someone?"  
"Nope."  
"Filch kissing Madam Pince!"  
"Ew! Ginny! No!"  
"A hairbrush?"  
"Ha ha, Ron, you're a riot. No."  
"Thought not, by the state of your hair." Resist temptation to thwack Ron over head with largest book in my collection and continue on as if had not heard such offensive provacation.  
"I've had my telescope out and I've just been watching Snape, he's been down in Hogsmede."  
"Is there something you've been meaning to tell us, Hermione?" Am glad that have friend in Ginny at least, as she elbowed Harry for sarcastic remark.  
"He had a _package_. He took it back to his office and opened it. "  
"A package? What was in it?"  
"I'm not sure, but whatever it was, Snape seemed very pleased with it."  
"You don't know what it was?"  
"No, but I did see a flash of..." Paused, could not quite believe myself saying it, let alone imagining the others hearing it.  
"Of what, Hermione?" Hmm, can't really deflect attention now, have already committed myself. Must learn to keep mouth shut.  
"Pink." Yes, Harry and Ron look typically unimpressed.  
"Pink?" But wait, Ginny looks... interested? "That's hilarious! I wonder what it could be?"  
"Ginny, you don't really think Snape has been ordering pink things from Hogsmede, do you?" Is stupid question, obviously she does. Like Ginny best.  
"We'll have to investigate this further. Leave it with me, 'Mione, I'll be back with you shortly!"

And with that she ran upstairs. Am waiting for her to return.

5.45pm - Ginny has returned. It transpires that she was after her extendable ears, but seems that she cannot find any. Has owled trusty brothers Fred and George (cannot believe am calling Fred and George 'trusty', but then is desperately important situation) to provide more by return owl. Since is Saturday tomorrow and will have free run of grounds for most of day, have decided to leave sneaky investigating until then. Cannot wait to play detective and discover Snape's secret. Hope it is v. embarrassing.

**_September 30th_**

_Secrets of Snape's discovered: 0  
Thickness of plot: school-canteen gravy consistency_

11.30am - Extendable ears have arrived! Have been chatting with Ginny, and have decided that would be best to perform reconnaissance on Snape's office (using telescope, of course) to determine optimum time for excursion to said office door.

11.45am - Snape's shutters are open, so obviously nothing going on at the moment. Must be patient.

12.30pm - Both getting hungry for lunch, so have decided to take shifts watching through telescope. Ginny is going to fetch main course from Great Hall.

12.50pm - Nice lunch, but still no sign of shutter-closing. Is own turn to go to Great Hall, to fetch dessert.

12.58pm - Was just coming back through portrait hole when was almost knocked over by Ginny running to fetch me. Shutters of slimey-Snape's office window have closed, and Ginny also swore she saw some pink! Scones can wait until later - time is of the essence!

1.04pm - Have arrived outside Snape's office, extendable ears in hand. Ginny has enlisted Luna Lovegood to help our cause, posting her in corridor to act as lookout in case of approaching teachers, students or Malfoys. Even without ears can hear v. faint something coming from inside door. Must apply extendable ears for clarification.  
1.05pm - Is that music?  
1.06pm - Ginny agrees. Classical music is coming from Snape's office. Along with shuffling noises and ocassionally Snape saying things like "-three, and-" and "-one and two, step-" and "-not like that, oh bu-" at irregular intervals. Is v. mysterious.

1.08pm - Argh! Can hear Luna's pre-arranged warning signal (talking loudly about Crumpled Horned Snorkacks). Time for Ginny and self to become scarce.

1.16pm - Met up with Luna again in less conspicuous location. Am not entirely sure what have managed to discover, but have decided in manner of accomplished detectives to go over the facts and hope that something will jump out at us. So far we know that:

1. Snape received parcel yesterday  
2. Presence of pink was confirmedby self and Ginny, so is not figment of imagination  
3. Noises from Snape's office included classical music, shuffling and counting to four.

Hmm, do not think that helps much. Ginny reckons that Snape has hidden daughter for whom he is smuggling in cute pink clothing and teaching to count to four. Luna is of opinion that Snape has something called a 'Jinglebacked-Hormsant' which is apparently pink and makes noises like Mozart piano concertos. Do not personally believe that either explanation is sufficient. Must gather further information.

1.22pm - Was about to go back upstairs when who but Snape himself breezed past us in unusually good mood. Hmm. Must now put off further investigations until tomorrow.


	13. The Plot Thickens

**_October 1st_**

_Eureka-type moments in the middle of the night: 1_

1.59am - I've got it! I know what Snape was up to! Oh my... He was... he was... He was dancing?

2.03am - Have dragged Ginny out of bed to tell her my revelation. Cannot believe that was so stupid before not to have worked it out! Is v. strange. What is stranger is that when told Ginny, she also could not understand how neither of two supposed v. bright and intelligent witches could have worked it out. Must go back to bed, and think about it in morning.

_Strange situations getting even stranger: 1  
Thickness of plot: Crabbe and/or Goyle_

7.52am - Situation gets stranger and stranger. Apart from refreshing nightmares about evil wizards dancing Swan Lake in pink tutus, am now finding that cannot clearly remember any details of what happened yesterday afternoon. Indeed, only things that can be sure about are those which were recorded in diary. Am taking it on faith that did not deliberately mislead self by writing false statements, so therefore can only conclude that there is something stranger going on here than waltzting potions masters. Must find Ginny.

7.59am - Is definitely something else going on. When found Ginny, could not get her to believe that had been anywhere near Snape's office at all yesterday. Showed her pages in diary, but she still refused to believe it. Insists on getting Luna to collaborate own story.

8.45am - Cannot find Luna anywhere, and have promised to meet Harry and Ron in fifteen minutes. Must abandon search for now and continue later.

12.30pm - Lunchtime, and still no sign of Luna. Where has she got to?

2.20pm - Finally found Luna outside Great Hall. Is v. inconvinient not being able to find people when one is looking for them. Is alright for Harry, because he has Marauder's Map. Sadly not all of us are fortunate enough to have v. clever and v. rule breaking wizarding parents. Anyway, Luna claims to have had a dream about being near Snape's office, which is good enough for me. Have dragged Luna to Gryffindor Tower and must find Ginny to prove to her that am not mad.

2.56pm - Now cannot find Ginny! Is v. bad day.  
3.00pm - Have given up for now. Have made Luna promise to come to Gryffindor table at tea time, when will grab Ginny and force her to listen (and prove that am not mad).

5.30pm - Tea time! Have finally managed to get Luna and Ginny together.  
5.45pm - Ginny agrees that would be v. odd for Luna and self to have same dream about Snape's office, and also have it occur in own diary. In v. unhelpful fashion, Luna has decided to blame it on wrackspurts, which she claims must have been around Snape's office. Both Ginny and self are worried about apparent memory loss, so have decided to be as thorough as possible about recording all future dealings with Snape, or around area where Snape is. Am v. troubled. What if sudden memory loss went as far as to erase all knowledge gained at Hogwarts? Would be awful! Would fail all exams! Would never be able to show face in world ever again!  
5.50pm - Have tried to calm down, but is not going v. well. Cannot bear thought of losing all precious, hard-earned knowledge. Something must be done.

6.02pm - Ginny and Luna agree that something must be done. Unfortunately cannot decide what.

6.25pm - Have decided to make three copies of all notes from diary pertaining to incident. Have also signed piece of paper, saying that these things did happen, and that we are to believe whichever of the three of us comes to us with aforementioned declaration. And have now decided to go to library in search of answers.

10.02pm - Have just been thrown out of library. Though further research may be required, it seems that some sort of memory charm may have been responsible for strange goings on. Am not sure that is anything that can be done about the situation though, as if we tell anyone about it they will require proof, which we do not have. Hmm, requires careful thought.

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_AN: Sorry that this isn't long, but it's only a midweek installment. Besides, I'd like to hear what you think about this new piece of 'plot' before I get too far with it..._


	14. The Final Chapter!

_**October 2nd**_

_Mysteries solved: 0 (disappointing)  
Memories of life seemingly vanished: 0 (v. v. good)_

Took opportunity this morning to tell Harry and Ron about mysterious incidents. Was v. sweet to see Harry look so concerned about someone messing around with Ginny's memory, as if he was worried someone might erase him from them. Bless.

Is more than can be said for Ron, who was too busy choking on a piece of toast to say much about it. Boys.

Have been annoying friends all day by asking them to give self impromptu quizzes on own life, education at Hogwarts and wizarding world in general. Cannot help it - am constantly terrified at thought of waking up one morning and forgetting who I am in manner of person hit over head with large heavy object.

Have not got any further with working out what exactly was going on, and as today is Monday and therefore the busiest day of the week am not likely to get any further either. Hmph.

**_October 3rd_**

_Times caught Harry looking worriedly at Ginny: 34 (bless)  
Times seen Ron at all today: 3  
Mysteries now deemed unsolvable: 1_

Was right - was given mountain of work about as tall as Ginny in classes yesterday. Am only just starting to get to the bottom of it now. Am convinced that teachers are trying to give self nervous breakdown by mentioning exams already. Already! Is only October!

Rather strangely, have only seen Ron three times today, all three times he seemed in v. great rush to get where he was going, and only had time to smile and shout 'hi' as he ran past. Perhaps strain of workload is getting to Ron also? Seems strange. Didn't think Ron ever cared about work quite that much.

Have now decided that mystery will never be solved. Snape can continue to dance without others having knowledge of it and shall be able to do nothing to stop it. Well, have decided that do not care. Although, do wish that had camera to document it, just for sake of posterity/future memories/putting up around Hogwarts as posters.

**_October 4th _**

_Summons to Dumbledore's office: 1 (ohmygosh)  
Minutes spent worrying and fretting in Dumbledore's office: 21 (so far)  
Crazy scenarios currently thought up as to why am here: 502 (at last count)_

10.30am - Something v. strange is going on. Which is saying something, looking back at strange things that have happened to self and friends during time at Hogwarts. Anyway. Was summoned from Arithmancy this morning by small scared-looking first year to come to Dumbledore's office. Am here now, waiting for Dumbledore to arrive and feeling v. scared that Dumbledore will tell self that am failing everything and will need to take remedial classes in all my subjects. Argh.

10.34am - OK, Ginny and Luna have just arrived, so is probably not that am failing everything. Cue sigh of immense relief.  
10.35am - But in that case, why are we here?  
10.36am - It must be about the dancing-Snape-memory thing. But how did Dumbledore find out?

10.40am - Oooh, Dumbledore is here and looking very scary... really should stop writing... but who is that behing him looking sulky... surely not... Malfoy?

2.03pm - Have finally finshed interview with Dumbledore. So many surprises... Where to start?

Turns out that confused-forgetfulness was not, in fact, due to Snape at all. Which is shame, as would like to have seen Snape thrown out of his office, pink tutu and all, for even just small amount of public humiliation. But alas, is not to be. Spell was infact cast by slimy-grot-bag Malfoy, to hide some super-secret-evil plan that he seemed to have to catch first-years (especially, but not exclusively, Gryffindors) and relieve them of their textbooks before sending them on their way to their lessons to get given detentions by their professors. Aforementioned poor first years have all had their detentions revoked (much to Filch's disappointment) and Malfoy will be serving them all instead (which cheered Filch up a bit), as well as a few extra of his very own (which returned Filch to his normal state of cranky vindictiveness).

Dumbledore had asked us to his office to testify as to the strange effects of Malfoy's spell, since self, Ginny and Luna were the only three to remember anything of its effects (Malfoy may be evil, but he's not a half-bad wizard when he puts his mind to it). Was also v. pleased that Dumbledore wanted copies of pages from own diary as collaborating evidence! Am v. proud. And also v. glad that had not written anything too incriminating of self in such passages (apart, perhaps, from spying on Snape's window with telescope in the first place).

But the strangest bit of all was not any of that. As was leaving Dumbledore's office, following exchange took place between self and headmaster:

"Thank you for your help, Miss Granger. The testimony of yourself, Miss Weasley and Miss Lovegood has helped me immensley in determining Mr Malfoy's actions and, of course, his appropriate punishment."  
"You're welcome, sir. I'm very glad that it's all been sorted out."  
"Yes, I heard that you'd become quite worried over the loss of your memories. You will be exceedingly pleased to know, no doubt, that you will not be suffering any further effects of Mr Malfoy's spell."  
"Thank you, sir. That is comforting to know."  
"Indeed. I think that perhaps some gratitude may be in order to Mr Ronald Weasley; without his initial suggestions of Mr Malfoy's intent I am afriad I may have missed this whole affair completely. So much else to do you see, and even a person such as myself cannot be everywhere at once."

Was completely shocked. Ron was behind this?

"I'm sorry, sir, did you say Ron?"  
"Yes, Miss Granger, I did."  
"It must have been Ginny... he must have been worried about Ginny... No wonder he choked on his toast when I told him."  
"His sister, you think? Interesting. Well, you are free to go back to your classes now, though I am prepared to be uncharacteristically negligent in my duties if you were to decide to go upstairs to Gryffindor Tower and have an hour or so by the fire before tea."  
"Thank you, sir, that's very kind."  
"Not at all, not at all."

Am still in a daze. Ron did all this? And Dumbledore didn't think it was for Ginny, so that must mean he... did it... for... me?

Oh my.

_

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_Author's Note: That was the last part of Hermione Granger's Diary!If you'd like to see a sequel then you know what to do - Review! If I get enough response I might drag a plot out of somewhere in the depths of my mind. I've got a few ideas left yet... :D_


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